Top Reasons Why Some Long-Term Marriages End in Divorce

Ever since the 1970’s, divorce has become commonplace. In fact, the definition of family has changed dramatically. Less than fifty percent of families are intact families with the original mother and father. Families now include single heads of households—with women as the head of household, couples living together and step-families that become “blended” through divorce and re-marriage.

Included in the rising divorce rates are long-term marriages. Why, we ask, would someone get divorced after more than twenty years of marriage? Before we take a look at the top reasons for why some long-term marriages end in divorce, let’s first see why some long-term marriages succeed or just “go along to get along.” “Success” means that BOTH partners report being happy.

Good Reasons Why Some People Stay in Long-Term Marriages—What Makes These Good, Happy Marriages Work?

Good, happy marriages consist of people who:

  1. Are both truly happy, optimistic people who know how to problem-solve.
  2. Tended to get married when older and more settled in their careers/education and more mature.
  3. Are financially comfortable.
  4. Have college degrees or technical training.
  5. Find ways to “renew” the marriage spark. Some couples do this by traveling, taking classes of some kind together, doing a large project together (building a dream house, etc.), volunteering together and basically finding a new shared interest etc.
  6. Are happily involved with their grandchildren and/or adult children.
  7. Have good health.
  8. Don’t criticize and reject each other.
  9. Respect and like each other.
  10. Have more than “weathered or gotten through” major stresses such as affairs, financial or emotional problems. Instead, they triumph over these issues and grow.
  11. Have a wildcard factor—a highly personalized reason for being happy and together!

Make a checklist of which ones are part of your marriage. Now let’s take a look at why some unhappy, long-term marriages continue.

Why Some Unhappy, Long-Term Marriages Continue

  1. It’s been said that some marriages keep women off welfare, out of the poor house and out of the mental institution. So, some people stay in bad marriages because divorce or singlehood seems worse than their current situation.
  2. Some couples agree to live separate lives while still being legally married. Usually, they agree to this arrangement because of financial and psychological reasons. Psychologically, the spouse serves as an “emotional safety net” in case a partner needs emotional and financial support. Or, the couple might be raising the grandchildren and need to stay together because of them. In fact, some grandparents agree to raise their grandchildren as a way to find joy and to put a “buffer zone” between them and their spouse.
  3. The “shame” of divorce is worse than the marriage. Some couples feel social, religious and family pressure to stay married.
Why Some Long-Term Marriages End in Divorce
  1. The marriage was never really very good, and they wait to divorce until after the children are older.
  2. One person is having an affair—and is discovered. About 25-33% of marriages cannot recover from affairs.
  3. One person falls in love with another person.
  4. One spouse can no longer tolerate the abuse—verbal, physical or sexual. Abuse is still one of the highest reasons people divorce. Often, one spouse tolerates the abuse for a relatively long time. What makes that person say “enough” is: (a) maturity; the person is in therapy and the help kicks in; (b) one or more of the children are “little adults” who speak up; and (c) the legal system has finally listened or responded—there are charges, trials and/or prison sentences.
  5. One person matures and grows out of the marriage. This maturity can be sparked by time, death of a parent or other close person, new job or completion of education/training that makes the more financially dependent spouse able to support him/herself.
  6. One partner develops serious problems that do not change. These types of problems include substance abuse, mental instability, felonies and other illegal acts.

Did you see your top reasons in these sections? Think about what you want to do about it. Remember, every marriage is different.

###This article first appeared in www.helpstartshere.org, the award winning consumer Web site of the National Association of Social Workers. To read more articles by Dr. Wish on this site, please click here.

Posted in Help Starts Here, Relationships and Marriage |

13 Responses to “Top Reasons Why Some Long-Term Marriages End in Divorce”

  1. Marie Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 5:51 pm

    I understand the reason’s that were given for people divorcing from a long-term marriage. My grandparents are prime examples. As my grandfather got older, the more he would verbally abuse my grandmother. She would not leave him because she would have nothing to live on and she had been a stay-at-home wife all her life and so she was scared. But it got to the point to where she couldn’t take it anymore, and at the moment they are going through the divorce process, yet having to go through court to determine who will get what and what kind of allimony she would get.

  2. Chris Hartwell, MSW Says:
    July 28th, 2008 at 11:24 pm

    Good article, I see a lot of these causal factors on the Talk About Marriage forums. It’s sad how many people are hurting from infidelity and abuse.

  3. nelly Says:
    July 29th, 2008 at 12:10 pm

    I can identify with what Marie says about her grandmother. I have been married for ten years, my husband is abusive verbally and emotionally. He controls everything but I have nowhere else to go. So I stay and bide my time for my 7 year old daughter.

  4. Tisha Says:
    July 31st, 2008 at 11:23 pm

    I think my mom stays because of low self esteem and financial reasons. It is a marriage of convienence for both of them. I don’t think either one cheats, but it is so sad to see the lack of True respect.

  5. Atsushi　Kiyota,sw Says:
    August 17th, 2008 at 10:09 am

    I could understand what is called “emotional safety net”,whenever it is needed among couples. And I found out that quite a few Japanese are not good at express themselves when in trouble.

    Sometimes we are too close to each other, and we are likely to forget to respect his/her own time to spend by alone.

    The distance between two may solve most of the troubles that they face in the long run.

  6. Patty McFeeters Says:
    September 8th, 2008 at 8:44 am

    These articles are great! Our 36 year marraige was good at one time until I became slowly aware of all the ways my husband is disrespectful, controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive and the older he gets the worse he is getting… I want out and I would be financially better off without him because I have no access to finances now but to some extent I know most of what we have…He is definitely NOT an emotional safety net..he is an emotional basket case who puts on a good show, so he remains looking like Mr. Nice Guy! He is anything but, behind closed doors

  7. Sam Says:
    September 11th, 2008 at 1:57 pm

    Many women in long term marriages with workaholic husbands can no longer tolerate the loneliness of the marriage. Loneliness and lack of intimacy are key factors for many.

  8. Chris Says:
    September 14th, 2008 at 5:47 pm

    I am in such a mess….23 years of marriage, he critizes all that I do, he is fiancially controlling, I am now in love with someone who treats me so good.
    Don’t dare leave…….so scared of what is out there.

  9. Chris Says:
    September 14th, 2008 at 9:54 pm

    I foumd these articles a good sorce of information……wish I had stumbled on it sooner. I am married 23 years, I am going to be lost, but will find my feet again.

  10. Lisa Says:
    September 15th, 2008 at 6:42 pm

    These are excellent articles. I do hope that all reading can that men are not always the purpatrators of control and emotional abuse. The sad truth is it is very difficult for men to admit this.

  11. Dr. LeslieBeth Wish Says:
    September 16th, 2008 at 3:08 pm

    Hello, I want to thank all of you for your comments and interest in my articles–all of which are based on my research and practice. If I can help any of you further, please go to my website http://www.lovevictory.com and select from the menu on the left where you can ask me a question. Thank you for your bravery.
    LB

  12. homebuilding Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 7:11 pm

    All of the praise surprises me. Yes, we can all see the flat tires, when we know what to look for. However, ongoing marital maintenance in absolutely universal. Is there anything here to help men to understand women better….and vice versa? Yes, some people weather difficulties better than others. Do we know why? Yes we do…but there aren’t listed here–and mostly, they aren’t taught in social work schools.
    To read the articles is to find divorce almost pleasant, and certainly something that every therapist should be ready to assist with.
    No, I’m not denying the problems of abuse–but I am observing that life has many difficulties over which tens of thousands of partners might treat their partners more harshly or noisily (or with aggressive withdrawal) than they might with better understanding and practice.
    But social work must have some obligation to provide the keys for the lock. (They are really quite accessible.) And that’s my job.

    HBG

  13. homebuilding Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 7:15 pm

    All of the praise surprises me. Yes, we can all see the flat tires, when we know what to look for. However, ongoing marital maintenance in absolutely universal. Is there anything here to help men to understand women better….and vice versa? Yes, some people weather difficulties better than others. Do we know why? Yes we do…but they aren’t listed here–and mostly, they aren’t taught in social work schools.
    To read these articles is to see divorce as almost pleasant, and certainly something that every therapist should be ready to assist with. There is certainly no mention that the vast majority of social maladies traces back to a shortage of parenting availability. Nor is there any mention of the value of children seeing parents solve difficult problems, maybe even yelling occasionally–but loving each other, and the kids, and staying together for the benefit of all.
    No, I’m not denying the problems of abuse–but I am observing that life has many difficulties over which tens of thousands of partners might treat their partners more harshly or noisily (or with aggressive withdrawal) than they might with better understanding and practice.
    But social work must have some obligation to provide the keys for the lock. (They are really quite accessible and easy to practice.) And that’s my job.

    HBG

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