Top Reasons Why Some Long-Term Marriages End in Divorce

Ever since the 1970’s, divorce has become commonplace. In fact, the definition of family has changed dramatically. Less than fifty percent of families are intact families with the original mother and father. Families now include single heads of households—with women as the head of household, couples living together and step-families that become “blended” through divorce and re-marriage.

Included in the rising divorce rates are long-term marriages. Why, we ask, would someone get divorced after more than twenty years of marriage? Before we take a look at the top reasons for why some long-term marriages end in divorce, let’s first see why some long-term marriages succeed or just “go along to get along.” “Success” means that BOTH partners report being happy.

Good Reasons Why Some People Stay in Long-Term Marriages—What Makes These Good, Happy Marriages Work?

Good, happy marriages consist of people who:

  1. Are both truly happy, optimistic people who know how to problem-solve.
  2. Tended to get married when older and more settled in their careers/education and more mature.
  3. Are financially comfortable.
  4. Have college degrees or technical training.
  5. Find ways to “renew” the marriage spark. Some couples do this by traveling, taking classes of some kind together, doing a large project together (building a dream house, etc.), volunteering together and basically finding a new shared interest etc.
  6. Are happily involved with their grandchildren and/or adult children.
  7. Have good health.
  8. Don’t criticize and reject each other.
  9. Respect and like each other.
  10. Have more than “weathered or gotten through” major stresses such as affairs, financial or emotional problems. Instead, they triumph over these issues and grow.
  11. Have a wildcard factor—a highly personalized reason for being happy and together!

Make a checklist of which ones are part of your marriage. Now let’s take a look at why some unhappy, long-term marriages continue.

Why Some Unhappy, Long-Term Marriages Continue

  1. It’s been said that some marriages keep women off welfare, out of the poor house and out of the mental institution. So, some people stay in bad marriages because divorce or singlehood seems worse than their current situation.
  2. Some couples agree to live separate lives while still being legally married. Usually, they agree to this arrangement because of financial and psychological reasons. Psychologically, the spouse serves as an “emotional safety net” in case a partner needs emotional and financial support. Or, the couple might be raising the grandchildren and need to stay together because of them. In fact, some grandparents agree to raise their grandchildren as a way to find joy and to put a “buffer zone” between them and their spouse.
  3. The “shame” of divorce is worse than the marriage. Some couples feel social, religious and family pressure to stay married.
Why Some Long-Term Marriages End in Divorce
  1. The marriage was never really very good, and they wait to divorce until after the children are older.
  2. One person is having an affair—and is discovered. About 25-33% of marriages cannot recover from affairs.
  3. One person falls in love with another person.
  4. One spouse can no longer tolerate the abuse—verbal, physical or sexual. Abuse is still one of the highest reasons people divorce. Often, one spouse tolerates the abuse for a relatively long time. What makes that person say “enough” is: (a) maturity; the person is in therapy and the help kicks in; (b) one or more of the children are “little adults” who speak up; and (c) the legal system has finally listened or responded—there are charges, trials and/or prison sentences.
  5. One person matures and grows out of the marriage. This maturity can be sparked by time, death of a parent or other close person, new job or completion of education/training that makes the more financially dependent spouse able to support him/herself.
  6. One partner develops serious problems that do not change. These types of problems include substance abuse, mental instability, felonies and other illegal acts.

Did you see your top reasons in these sections? Think about what you want to do about it. Remember, every marriage is different.

###This article first appeared in www.helpstartshere.org, the award winning consumer Web site of the National Association of Social Workers. To read more articles by Dr. Wish on this site, please click here.

Posted in Help Starts Here, Relationships and Marriage |

36 Responses to “Top Reasons Why Some Long-Term Marriages End in Divorce”

  1. Marie Says:
    July 17th, 2008 at 5:51 pm

    I understand the reason’s that were given for people divorcing from a long-term marriage. My grandparents are prime examples. As my grandfather got older, the more he would verbally abuse my grandmother. She would not leave him because she would have nothing to live on and she had been a stay-at-home wife all her life and so she was scared. But it got to the point to where she couldn’t take it anymore, and at the moment they are going through the divorce process, yet having to go through court to determine who will get what and what kind of allimony she would get.

  2. Chris Hartwell, MSW Says:
    July 28th, 2008 at 11:24 pm

    Good article, I see a lot of these causal factors on the Talk About Marriage forums. It’s sad how many people are hurting from infidelity and abuse.

  3. nelly Says:
    July 29th, 2008 at 12:10 pm

    I can identify with what Marie says about her grandmother. I have been married for ten years, my husband is abusive verbally and emotionally. He controls everything but I have nowhere else to go. So I stay and bide my time for my 7 year old daughter.

  4. Tisha Says:
    July 31st, 2008 at 11:23 pm

    I think my mom stays because of low self esteem and financial reasons. It is a marriage of convienence for both of them. I don’t think either one cheats, but it is so sad to see the lack of True respect.

  5. Atsushi　Kiyota,sw Says:
    August 17th, 2008 at 10:09 am

    I could understand what is called “emotional safety net”,whenever it is needed among couples. And I found out that quite a few Japanese are not good at express themselves when in trouble.

    Sometimes we are too close to each other, and we are likely to forget to respect his/her own time to spend by alone.

    The distance between two may solve most of the troubles that they face in the long run.

  6. Patty McFeeters Says:
    September 8th, 2008 at 8:44 am

    These articles are great! Our 36 year marraige was good at one time until I became slowly aware of all the ways my husband is disrespectful, controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive and the older he gets the worse he is getting… I want out and I would be financially better off without him because I have no access to finances now but to some extent I know most of what we have…He is definitely NOT an emotional safety net..he is an emotional basket case who puts on a good show, so he remains looking like Mr. Nice Guy! He is anything but, behind closed doors

  7. Sam Says:
    September 11th, 2008 at 1:57 pm

    Many women in long term marriages with workaholic husbands can no longer tolerate the loneliness of the marriage. Loneliness and lack of intimacy are key factors for many.

  8. Chris Says:
    September 14th, 2008 at 5:47 pm

    I am in such a mess….23 years of marriage, he critizes all that I do, he is fiancially controlling, I am now in love with someone who treats me so good.
    Don’t dare leave…….so scared of what is out there.

  9. Chris Says:
    September 14th, 2008 at 9:54 pm

    I foumd these articles a good sorce of information……wish I had stumbled on it sooner. I am married 23 years, I am going to be lost, but will find my feet again.

  10. Lisa Says:
    September 15th, 2008 at 6:42 pm

    These are excellent articles. I do hope that all reading can that men are not always the purpatrators of control and emotional abuse. The sad truth is it is very difficult for men to admit this.

  11. Dr. LeslieBeth Wish Says:
    September 16th, 2008 at 3:08 pm

    Hello, I want to thank all of you for your comments and interest in my articles–all of which are based on my research and practice. If I can help any of you further, please go to my website http://www.lovevictory.com and select from the menu on the left where you can ask me a question. Thank you for your bravery.
    LB

  12. homebuilding Says:
    September 17th, 2008 at 7:15 pm

    All of the praise surprises me. Yes, we can all see the flat tires, when we know what to look for. However, ongoing marital maintenance in absolutely universal. Is there anything here to help men to understand women better….and vice versa? Yes, some people weather difficulties better than others. Do we know why? Yes we do…but they aren’t listed here–and mostly, they aren’t taught in social work schools.
    To read these articles is to see divorce as almost pleasant, and certainly something that every therapist should be ready to assist with. There is certainly no mention that the vast majority of social maladies traces back to a shortage of parenting availability. Nor is there any mention of the value of children seeing parents solve difficult problems, maybe even yelling occasionally–but loving each other, and the kids, and staying together for the benefit of all.
    No, I’m not denying the problems of abuse–but I am observing that life has many difficulties over which tens of thousands of partners might treat their partners more harshly or noisily (or with aggressive withdrawal) than they might with better understanding and practice.
    But social work must have some obligation to provide the keys for the lock. (They are really quite accessible and easy to practice.) And that’s my job.

    HBG

  13. Shereta Hunt Says:
    January 14th, 2009 at 11:13 pm

    I think each are aof marriage can be true. Theur are may people who are married for many reasons. But hopefully, the marriage is something that husbands and wives will cherish and one another. I agree the with why some marriages are long term verus others. It definately takes respect, love , committment, good health, finacially comfortable and being optomistic. Marriage is a lifetime committment not only to each other but God!!. With him a marriage, I believe can weather any storm,

  14. Pat Says:
    January 19th, 2009 at 5:20 am

    I agree with the list 1-financial stability 2-This takes education or family with money ect. 3- Wait till you are older 3- Look for the signs of possible abuse 4- Know yourself. In a long term marriage that is “not-so-good” there is abuse and usually one or both have strayed. In my case I married a guy with an eye for the ladies. He also needs his buddies. I’m in a 40 year one. It’s more than just no-where-to-go. When children are involved and then grandchildren things get complicated. Is it self esteem? No, I don’t think so. I think you get so beaten down after years of fighting you just get tired and you really don’t want to fight it anymore. No two marriages are the same and the same thing doesn’t work for any two couples.

  15. patricia Says:
    January 30th, 2009 at 10:13 am

    I can not believe so many females are in long term relationships with
    abusive partners - God life is far too short - its not so bad on your own
    I did it after 6 years when my child was 2 - its hard but i never had that
    feeling of entrapment and put my head up high and got on with it - my life
    was worth it! and my child did’nt know any different, i managed for 18 years
    till I met a man who I was prepared to live with… that was a mistake I wish
    I had stayed on my own - let them live on there own, its a better relationship!

  16. Hank Says:
    February 6th, 2009 at 7:47 am

    We’re at that 20 year point and I seriously doubt we can go further. Once we had kids, they became the entire focus. Physical intimacy, even non-sexual (sitting on the couch together, holding hands when out in public, hugging, etc.), dropped like a rock. As the husband, I’ve been the one to force us into counseling - twice - and the only one to go to a marriage basics class (after 18 years, no less). A woman cannot spurn her husband in this way. After two years of no sex or intimacy, and six with only a couple of evenings of sex, I fell for another woman. I hate it that that is the case, but it happened and now I doubt I can turn back. Wives, you can’t turn your man off completely…he will put up with it for a while, but then seek other means for emotional and physical support.

  17. Jennifer Says:
    February 11th, 2009 at 8:36 pm

    The article and comments are interesting and valid perspectives on marriage. Often many individuals walk into marriage with false ideologies based on childhood fairy tales or romance novels; which may very well be the cause of their unhappiness. Marriage is a work in progress and it’s not always perfect, and as long as the couple is committed to the relationship and there is a level of respect the towel should not be thrown in. The grass is not greener on the other side and nobody is perfect. It is easy to focus on the negative aspect of a relationship and forget about all the good or to place blame on the partner; however, we must remember that both parties are responsible for the issues and/or happiness of the marriage.

  18. Margaret Says:
    April 11th, 2009 at 5:04 pm

    I am sad to read about those of you posting here who are in such difficult circumstances. 24 yrs married here, and yes we have been through the wringer several times, but as the article states, we overcame these obstacles and used them to grow stronger and closer. For those of you who have lost hope but stay, I hope you can turn to your own inner strength and find a way out. The unknown may be scary, and you may fear ‘being alone,’ but you will not be able to move on if you remain in an abusive, hurtful, dead relationship, regardless of your reasons. I say this becuase I know…at one point I left for a period of time, I feel I got a taste of how liberating and lightening it is to walk out and start over on your own terms. We did reconcile later, only when I was sure we could truly start anew. People, life always has the potential to be joyful and good, but life is short! Don’t stay if there is no love, respect, or trust. It costs you far too much.

  19. angela Says:
    April 13th, 2009 at 11:31 pm

    I just ended a marriage a few months shy of 25yrs and a total of 29yrs counting the dating years. He was my first everything and from the time I was 16 until now at 45yrs old, I have known no other man. I had to get out; our children are now grown; I developed a debilating illness that seemed to fuel the fire so to speak; he was verbally, emotionally abusive and eventually it came to the point that his narcissitc tendacies developed into life/health issues for me. I had to leave before I couldnt leave due to my illness and the stress and abuse was leading me to an early grave literally. He would not accept any responsibilities and in time I was privy to so many activities he was involved in without my knowldege and naitivity. Our children agreed to the divorce realizing he was not the man he demonstrated in public and that i had kept them clear of it while they were young and started seeing problems. I had no self-esteem but grew and matured and that is when the situation also became increasingly difficult. the more i grew, the more he challanged and i realized he had controlled me while i remained unaware until my own life was at risk. People change or they hide themselves very well and lets face it, we tend to overlook at first due to love and later realize they were huge red flags.

  20. John Says:
    April 15th, 2009 at 3:01 pm

    Thanks, Hank. Glad to know I’m not the only man who’s gone through this or felt the same way. I will take some of the blame but at some point, things between us were dead in part because of a lack of emotional and physical intimacy. We finished up our divorce two months ago. I’m feeling guilty about the divorce, the impact on my kids, but know that by staying heavily involved in my kids lives and being generous as I can with financial support to my ex-wife, they’ll be fine.

  21. Ron Says:
    April 27th, 2009 at 1:27 am

    I do not see “Love” mentioned. Most people get married because they love each other. What happens when people do not love each other anymore? Is it a good enough reason to stay married simply because you are good friends? If there is no passion in the marriage anymore? If there is rarely intimacy? I think the good reasons miss something very important here.

  22. Michael Says:
    July 16th, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    we been married 50 years, we do things together, we learn from each other mistakes, we have never argued over anything even with difference of opinions, we hold hands, we look into each eyes and say,” I love you ” and neither one have any type of formal education, we haved volunteered all this time and even now do so.. she is a Christian and I am a Hindu… and she is perfect.

  23. Jan Says:
    July 29th, 2009 at 8:34 pm

    “The grass is always greener” saying definitely applies. No matter who you are married to there will be problems of one kind or another. It is better to stay with the devil you know than go to one you don’t know. You marry for better or for worse but nobody remembers that. You make a committment before God . . . so turn it all over to Him and let Him work it out. Stop trying to do it yourself . . . you can’t.

  24. JJ Says:
    July 31st, 2009 at 4:17 pm

    im barelly 12 and some how in one day they got into in argument about my big sisters 15. The worst part i heard everything so they were fighting about how they spent money in the 15 and the worst thing they were fighting about how they should have bought 3 tables not 4 so im like WHAT! It happend today and im still confused they have been together for 14 years and becuase of one fight they break up and i knew it want a joke becuase my mom asked me to search an apartment so i couldnt belive it. to its lkie a dream but really vivid and i knew it was real. Now my dad is spending time with my brother and sister its like the last time they will see each other. it hurts a lot. When i wake up i dont see my mom or my sisters i cant say night night to my little sister and when i come back from school i dont see anyone but i still have a feeling that they could come back but i dont know. im going to be separated my “family” has 6 people and im stuck with the boys. we might see each other but not as a familly.if someone asks me what would you want to wish i would say i wish that my mom and dad could go back together. ill write back if they make up or break up.it hurts

  25. Dennis Says:
    August 23rd, 2009 at 11:44 pm

    Wow. Thanks Hank and others. Married 24 years, with several major rough spots incl. counselors and even attorneys. I initiated all the visits to counseling. This time I feel like there’s no hope. I know I’m withdrawing but only to protect my heart now. Primary issues is she lives like a 50’s TV family where we serve roles. Attention, appreciation, passion, spontaneity, playfulness, etc all must be initiated by me. She does initaite sex but only at bedtime like a routine. It is never withheld and always been amazing. However intimacy is missing. Because of no intoimacy in our marriage I am not happy with physical sex. She doesn’t get it and asks why can’t I just be complacent and happy. She is completely incapable of really seeing me and being aware of my feelings, moods, needs, etc after 30 years of knowing each other. We did marry young (24) but after 6 years of serious dating. We have 3 kids 17 is the youngest. She refuses to accept the thought of divorce and has told me I’ll have to decide. No affairs, though this last time, I had to quickly get to counseling as I was finding myself starting to enter an emotional affair with someone I met through work. Intellectually and emotionally stimulated by her (which is lacking at home) and I knew it would lead to physical intimacy so I got away before it did and pushed us back into counseling. That was a year ago and counseling has not worked. I recently moved out to try to sort through this and give us a little separation to realize what we miss about each other. The fear, guilt, lonliness, and pain of filing for divorce is killing me. She’s a great woman that most men complacent with life’s routines would love. She’s beautiful, fit, kind, and wants to do the old fashioned womanly chores, plus loves sex. But I need more. I need the modern woman. A oartner, and love that comes from true intimacy. Someone slap me if I’m crazy but I am standing on the cliff of divorce for yet another time and just afraid to jump.

  26. ian Says:
    September 24th, 2009 at 12:38 am

    I’m 27, married last 3 months ago, I’m planning to divorce my wife, and yes it’s true. Before I thought after we get marry each other will change. But suddenly already here nobody and the same thing happen, we fight were throwing words every time we chat.im far away from her. 5 days after we get married I flew mid east to go back to my job. Now when I read those comments and counseling and I realized that maybe I just missing her a lot and we really love each other and don’t get ourselves apart,

  27. Miriam Says:
    November 7th, 2009 at 10:40 pm

    I really don’t know what to really say. All I know is that every day life is a struggle for me. I just want to move on with my life, if there is one. I don’t know how to begin, where to begin, why to begin. Everything as time goes on for me gets more muddled. My heart is broken in a million + pieces. By my x-husband. Now by my grown children. What do I do to feel human again. Everything seems so complicated. People who know me always have something to say and ask me why after 40 years of marriage. They never wore my shoes.
    Is there any honest, down-to-earth person out there who can be an honest friend to me?

  28. Stefanie Says:
    December 9th, 2009 at 12:06 am

    I’ve been married for 15 years, it’s been a hard miserable marriage for much of it. I thought I was marrying someone else - he was in school supposed to become a family therapist, physically fit, kind. Then we married he decided school wasn’t for him, gained over 100 pounds and treated me horribly. He was very verbally and emotionally abusive, spent all of his time with his mom instead of building a life with me. He has improved over the years and does treat me with more respect. He’s had difficulty holding down a job and is leaving it up to me to make our life better, refuses to do anything that would make himself more marketable as an employee. I went back to school to build a better financial future for my family, but he refuses to do the same. I’m so depressed and feel so hopeless thinking this is my life forever. I’m completely unattracted to him, and have just tolerated life with him for the sake of our children. We did separate for about 6 months almost a year ago because he swung at me in front of my kids. He didn’t hit me, nor did I think he would, but that was unacceptable. It was just the last straw in a long list of very poor abusive choices. I feel trapped in an unhappy marriage, and don’t know if I have a good reason for wanting a divorce. No one gets married wanting to divorce, plus we have 4 kids. I take the kids on vacations alone because he refuses to go. This is not what I thought I was getting into when I made the choice to marry him. Is any of this a good reason to divorce?

  29. Gina Says:
    December 13th, 2009 at 8:47 pm

    Been married 29 years. Husband 20 years older,we have been together since I was 20 and totally in love. Both executives, he made three times my salary and he started saving at age of 46. I got very ill at the time he retired. Ever since he has been angry, resentful and emotionally abusive about me, his retirement income and lack thereof. He is not poor, but you would think it was so. I have been unable to return to work as quickly as expected due to the illness and economy. He took care of everything but my expenses, living, car, etc. He had not had to take care of my expenses at all before and is very angry and checked out of our marriage. I love him and want to work it out, but had to live with my well off brother because of constant verbal and emotional abuse because I am not working and he is depressed about his situation. I would live with him anywhere and want to start over. Our house is virtually paid for, but he doesn’t want me back and I am devastated. How do I accept my loss and move on? My life has been our relationship (we had one when I worked and it was good) and our now grown children. I know it’s over after all these years, can I get over this? My family is very supportive but I am so hurt.

  30. stacey Says:
    December 19th, 2009 at 2:16 am

    Many people jump into marriages too young or without taking the time to get to know whether or not a person is compatible and would make a good partner. I think that’s a big problem that never gets addressed. You can’t just throw 2 people together and expect it to work. If your having to sacrifice your soul just to remain married your with the wrong person and no amount of counselling will work. God is NOT necessarily going to force your square peg into a round hole. I do think that you need to be happy with yourself and have a decent amount of self-esteem in order to attract a healthy partner. People with low-self esteem issues tend to attract partners who treat them badly. My ex and I were a horrible match and no amount of praying or counselling could fix what was never right to begin with. I think God knew what was best for everyone in the long run. Only he can see all of the details of a situation. My advice is to get yourself healthy mentally and spiritually first and then find a partner. A good marriage has to have a strong foundation to start with.

  31. jim Says:
    December 20th, 2009 at 6:06 pm

    21 years married… I see the comments about men verbally abusing women, and here I am in a relationship where SHE constantly belittles me. And to the general public, we are the perrfect couple. I have talked with her about this for 15 years. She now knows I am serious baout leaving and tries on the surface to change. To little to late. One in college, one 16. They will understand.

  32. Wendy Says:
    December 21st, 2009 at 3:23 pm

    After 20 yrs of marriage (plus 6yrs of dating) I finally got the “courage” to leave. As years went by his snide remarks and fun poking turned into serious dislike. I never wanted a divorce, I wanted to stay with him forever. I would tell myself year after year that if I wasn’t married to THIS jerk I would be married to some other jerk. So, I tried, begged and pleaded for him to treat me with respect and stop calling our children bad names. I asked him for a divorce in January 09 but he said he was sorry and he would treat us all nicer. in February he stated he would like to find sex outside of the marriage because I didn’t offer it anymore (he never approached me, just something else I got used to). Needless to say, nothing changed and then one August morning after much praying I woke up with the realization that ‘I can leave’… We had little money saved and I worked part time and would never use ‘his’ money for my escape. I was going to wait until summer when I could have saved about 5000 of my own earned money, but everything changed when he left for 4 days with no notice for the first 36 hours, and then he texted me that he would be home on Sunday. When he got home he blamed me for not calling or texting back. It all came out, I told him I’m leaving. With only $500 saved of my own money I packed one bag and one kid and left. I’d honestly have to say….it’s the best thing I’ve ever done, I can breathe, I have a home I WANT to come to. I can go on and on about what happend once I left but it makes no difference…I’m okay, struggling, worried daily about how I’m gonna survive next week but the happiest I’ve been in the last 20 years.

  33. Don Says:
    December 21st, 2009 at 11:25 pm

    All these diverse perspectives! I am most like “Ron” above. I like and respect my wife and we have no major issues … except my feelings for her are no longer very deep, and she sometimes regards my unwillingness to leave her as a form of abuse. Meanwhile, between those occasional bouts with frustration, we live together very well. I dream of starting over all the time, but I consider these dreams narcissistic at best. Marriage is for life … and yet that makes no sense to me. All I ever wanted to do was the right thing, yet what is “right”? Following my heart, or making a lifelong show of working at marriage? For it would be a show, a part I know very well how to play except that my wife can’t be fooled. She knows a part of me not only wants but needs to go, and I feel like a rat because of the truth in that; but only because society has these expectations that don’t make sense. In truth, human beings should never expect to stay married for any longer than it takes to raise their children. If they want to, great, but we really need to learn that it’s normal and, yes, perfectly acceptible, to make a big change once the kids are adults. I only have to get over my fears of a) being alone, which is no excuse, b) angering my children, which I suppose they’ll have to deal with as adults now, and c) everyone winding up broke. Gotta cross fingers on that laSt one.

  34. Michelle Says:
    January 8th, 2010 at 8:06 pm

    Dennis you’re an idiot. Your wife sounds wonderful. Stop being so selfish. Are you the most emotionally stimulating guy on the planet? Are you the most intellectually stimulating guy around? Probably not. Give your wife a break. You’re charging after some ideal woman that is, in reality, totally unrealistic. Quit expecting perfection. Its a sad excuse to leave a marriage.

  35. Chris Says:
    January 20th, 2010 at 12:54 pm

    Thank you. This is an incredibly helpful forum. My husband and I have been married going on 13 years, but only on face. We haven’t been intimate for nearly two years (physically or emotionally), although we are best of buddies when it comes to our mutual interest in the outdoors. But that’s not enough anymore. Call me selfish but I desperately need intimacy and cannot continue in a marriage that has evolved into a brother/sister relationship. I can cite circumstances causing the drift and I wish we had addressed it earlier; the elephant in the room now seems much too large to move. It has been reassuring to learn others have found themselves in similar situations, considering the alternative while realistically facing fears of the unknown. This is not a “midlife crisis,” as some have suggested to me.

  36. Adam Says:
    March 7th, 2010 at 1:48 am

    I am 46 year old man, and I’ve been married 24 years to a very good woman who I love and care about. We have 5 children, some of which are still at home. We married very young - she was 19 and I was 21. We met in January and married in August of the same year, and due to religious reasons we were not intimite with each other prior to our marriage. For many years I have harbored deep feelings of unhappiness in my marriage and a desire to get divorced, which I suppressed and which made me feel exteremely guitly for religious and personal reasons (my parents were divorced, and I idealistically promised myself I would never do the same). Sometimes my feelings of unhappiness manifested themselves in the form of anger and occasional verbal abuse of my wife, which, thank God, I learned to control many years ago. Today we have a happy and harmonious marriage (on the surface) and my wife is apparently very content and devoted to me and our children. The problem is, no matter how much time pasess, my feelings of unhappiness have not not gone away. As I’ve become older, I have become more aware of these deep feelings and I am beginning to face them and be honest with myself about them. Recently (one year ago), I met and fell deeply in love with another woman. This relationship taught me for the first time in my life what it means to really be in love with a woman. the difference is like night and day to my relationship with my wife, even in the beginning. I feel guilt for being involved in an affair, but the honest truth is I would do it all again to be with this woman. The other woman is completely different from my wife in almost every conceivable way. For the first time in my life I can imagine growing old with someone and I know what it feels like to love someone completely, just the way they are. To me she is perfect in every way. I am so grateful that I met this person, she has changed my life forevoer. For the sake of my marraige and my children I have tried to break it off with this woman three or four times. Each time it has caused both of us unbearable emotional pain and suffering, and each time I find myself compelled to go back and renew the relationship because I cannot bear the emotional pain of loosing this person. At this point, I no longer feel any desire to work things out with my wife, even though I am reluctant to hurt her. I feel terrible for the emotional damage that the divorce will cause to my wife and children, but I see no other way forward for me. This has been a very dark time in my life, that I would not want to ever repeat. But in my heart I know I have to take a chance on this new relationship and hopefully find true happiness in a marriage for the first time in my life.

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