Incest Warning Signs: Q&A With Incest Researcher and Social Worker, LeslieBeth Wish
Incest Warning Signs
Q&A With Incest Researcher and Social Worker Leslie Beth Wish, Ed.D, MSS
Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, MSS is a social worker based in Sarasota, FL. She has been a speaker for non-profit, corporate and university organizations. Dr. Wish offers sound, research-based relationship advice that makes sense — specializing in issues such as smart dating, women’s relationship advice, career coaching, healthy families, sexual dysfunction, and leadership training.
Dr. Wish is the author of Incest, Work and Women: Understanding the Consequences of Incest on Women’s Careers, Work and Dreams.
Q. Actress Mackenzie Phillips announced that she had incestuous relationships with her father John Phillips. How common is this situation? Do most of these relationships involve father-daughter rather than mother-son?
A: Although childhood sexual abuse includes mother-child incest, more men commit child-family member sexual abuse. The most frequent male family offenders are step-fathers, fathers, uncles and grandfathers.
Q. What are the warning signs?
A: From a child’s perspective, warning signs include sudden or increased physical contact that might pass as acceptable with a family member. For example, suddenly Grandpa wants you to sit on his lap more often. Or, an uncle wants to caress a child’s hair or cheek more often.
Other forms of physical contact are more blatantly sexual, such as Mackenzie Philip’s intercourse with her father. Childhood sexual abuse can also include fondling of breasts, rubbing up and down against a child and sexual comments. Children often have a good sense that something is “wrong,” but they may not tell anyone about these sexual experiences. Children learn rather quickly that the sexual activity with a family member is not normal.
Some offenders make it very clear that if a child reveals their “secret,” the offender will harm the child and/or the family. Children also come to realize that telling someone puts the family in terrible jeopardy. What, for example, would Mom do if she knew about it? Would the family break up? How would the family get along without Dad? A great deal is at stake, and no child wants the responsibility of causing a crisis in the family. If a child does reveal “the secret,” it is not uncommon for other family members to deny or not accept that sexual abuse occurred.
Some siblings, for example, side with the offender, saying that no evidence or hints of abuse exist. To be fair to these supportive siblings—and even spouses—it is highly possible that the offender kept the secret very well-hidden. Often, the abuser selects one or two favorite children for sexual and emotional gratification and never violates the other siblings. As a result, the other siblings never experience or even suspect that abuse is occurring.
Finally, when a family member abuses a child sexually, the abuse is not solely about sex. Offenders are often looking for comfort, closeness and approval from someone whom, in the mind of the offender, offers an opportunity for unconditional love. The closeness and need for comfort can rapidly become sexualized. Many offenders are, however, also looking for sexual gratification, power and control.
Q. What can be done to protect the child?
A: All parents and caregivers should talk with each child about sexual behavior that is “wrong.” Children should be taught early about unwanted touches. Parents and caregivers should let children know that they want to know about any kind of touching or interaction with someone who makes them feel uncomfortable physically and emotionally or who touches them.
When parents set the emotional rules and establish an environment of care, children are more likely to let a family member know. Parents can also tell a child that if they are afraid to tell a family member that they can tell another adult whom the child trusts such as a teacher, minister, etc. (And no jokes, please—yes these two groups have a history of being sexual predators, but there are still good teachers and religious leaders who can help a child in need.)
Q. What is the likelihood that an incest victim will eventually seek counseling? Also, when victims seek help do they immediately admit the incest or rather do they come to treatment for issues like alcohol or drug abuse which they’ve sought to cope with the pain of the incestuous relationship?
A: Statistics can vary about the incidence of abuse, but roughly one in twenty-five women will experience some kind of sexual abuse by the time she is 18. For men, the numbers are about one in seven or eight. Since sexual abuse carries such a high degree of shame, it’s highly likely that clients will not mention it. Substance abuse, as well as suicide attempts, is a failed effort to manage the emotional pain of sexual abuse.
Q. What type of therapy/counseling is typically used in these cases?
A: There are many therapeutic treatments, including medication for depression, cognitive therapies and emotional reprocessing therapy where the client learns to come to different conclusions and understandings about the self and the experience. There are excellent training programs for therapists to learn about these therapies.
Q. What sort of therapy/counseling is typically used in these cases?
A: Every person is different, but common, long-term effects include suicide attempts, depression, substance abuse, fear of both emotional and sexual intimacy, promiscuity, prostitution and runaways, lack of career identity, inability to function at work.
9 Responses to “Incest Warning Signs: Q&A With Incest Researcher and Social Worker, LeslieBeth Wish”
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Cherry Says:
October 11th, 2009 at 11:37 pmMy daughter is married to a man who seems to take a great interest in highlighting my granddaugher’s hair. Recently, her hair appeared to be cut. She refuses to say anyone cut it. Both her mother and father confronted her about who cut it and she became very ‘blank” about answering, like she was on the spot. I think this is odd. Should I be concerned?
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Sherri Says:
November 21st, 2009 at 9:16 pmYour intuition tells you immediately that there is a problem. Women know when there is a concern, especially when it comes to children. I wish my mother had listened to her intuition when I was 13 and being abused. It would have saved me years of self destructive behavior and two years in counseling to heal. Your granddaughter needs to know that being “special” can sometimes be incredibly harmful to her well being.
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rj Says:
December 26th, 2009 at 9:43 pmYou used special in quotes, what did you use it that way?
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rj Says:
December 26th, 2009 at 9:43 pmi mean why did you use it that way?
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melinda m Says:
January 29th, 2010 at 11:50 pmMt abuser made me eel special too. The family secret is out now that I am 44. I also which my mother followed her intuition. I was sexualized at age one. My abuser was my great grandmothers husband
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Sherri Says:
March 8th, 2010 at 7:13 pmBeing “special” can be a powerful thing to children in large families. As a child surround by many siblings with very large personalities I often felt looked over. When my abuser listened to me so attentively and showed extra affection to me, I felt “special” and this was gratifying. I didn’t realize that he was grooming me for other less positive attention. That’s why “special” isn’t as great as it seems to be.
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Peggy Says:
March 30th, 2010 at 10:33 pmGreat information. It may have been a typo, but 1 in 4 girls/women will be abused by the time they reach the age of 18.
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Stephen Says:
April 8th, 2010 at 6:12 amPeggy is correct regarding rates of abuse for girls/women and I hope the error in the article is corrected ASAP.
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Howard Says:
June 1st, 2010 at 11:37 amMy girl friend is 46 yo and I’m 48. Recently she went to Seattle on business. She went out to dinner with her Aunt and Uncle. As she was talking to her Aunt she allowed her Uncle to scratch her back. Not sure why she did not have her Aunt scratch her back? However, she went over to their place for dinner and their young grandchildren where there. They had dinner and then later took my girl friend back to her hotel. A week later my gf is back in town on business. Her uncle comes back over to the hotel to take my girl friend out for dinner. He comes over with out my gf’s aunt. My gf says her aunt told him too? They go get hamburgers and bring them back to the room. As they are sitting in the living room at my gf’s hotel and visiting they had some wine. I assume my gf’s uncle brought the wine? She had only one glass of wine. As my gf is sitting in the chair and her uncle is sittting on the couch he ask her a question. He tell’s her if she wanted he could lay down some towels on the bed because he brought some asian oil and could give her a rub down…..! My gf told me that she just froze! I asked her what in the world ever played into his mind that he could even dare to make that offer to you? She said, she doesn’t know. She asked me if it was normal for a family member to bring asian oil and offer this to another family member? I said, “OMG…..no no no not right at all!” Then she told me she used to have nightmares when she was little about her uncle. How he would come into her room at night and ask her to touch him down there. I asked her if she was sure they where nightmares and not result of something that did occur for real? She said nothing. But she did tell me that he did live with them for awhile after he got out of the service. And then one day out of the clear blue he was gone without reason? I told her that she needed to stay away from him from now on and put up strong barriers. Not to go out with him unless Aunt is along or if my gf has another friend accompanying her. She is confused because this is her mothers brother. I reminded her that most sexual abuse and incest comes about from someone closest in the family such as a grandfater, uncle, and thus forth. Then my gf told me that she thought maybe she was just being weird about this because her aunt had told her the week before that her (aunt) and my her uncle don’t have sex anymore. That he goes out and pays for it. I told my gf that he is a sick man! And I didn’t care if she like me saying that or not. I love my gf alot and she travels alot and because of the nature of her work she is subject to many men trying to take advantage of her. To have a family member even try something like this bothers me alot. And to know that her uncle and aunt have grandchildren. If he did do something to my gf when she was young, and tries something like this when she is 46, who is to say that he might not even try something with one of his grandchildren. I think my wife’s aunt should know? For the sake of the grandchildren and their safety. I am open to any feedback. I am glade my gf feels comfortable with me and can share this with me, however I want to counsel her back in a healthy way. It has even occurred to me that maybe she might should go to some counseling to make sure that their are no hidden issues that are now surfacing from something that happened to her as a young girl?