Click here to read a Q&A interview about divorce and domestic violence with NASW member Katherine van Wormer, PhD, the author of a number of books including Women and the Criminal Justice System (2007, co-authored with C. Bartollas) and books on addiction and human behavior. Dr. van Wormer teaches Social Work at the University of Northern Iowa.

Dr. van Wormer has published seven articles on www.HelpStartsHere.org http://www.helpstartshere.org/Default.aspx?PageID=1217

Introduction

Have you ever said to a friend “I’m looking for my perfect job” or “I want to find the perfect man (or woman)?”

If so, you are not alone. Far from it.

Unfortunately, we don’t do ourselves any favors by seeking perfection. Expecting
perfection — in ourselves, in others, in our careers — is not only unrealistic, it is self defeating.

We simply set ourselves up for failure by demanding perfection. That’s because there’s nowhere to go but down, even when all objective measures say you are successful. For example, when a child expects to get a score of 100% on every test in school, she will be disappointed when she gets a 93 – an otherwise fantastic score.

The same is true with adults.

We may be in a good relationship or we may have a rewarding job. But when our reality doesn’t match our idealized notions of what a job or a mate is supposed to be, not only are we disappointed, we often become depressed, angry and resentful. We feel as if we have failed in some deep and meaningful way.

Perfectionistic Thinking

Perfectionistic thinking comes in different forms: We may think we have to lose five pounds to get that great body, or we think we must have a Norman Rockwell sort of holiday get-together.

This sort of thinking often comes from our families. Many of us were taught either implicitly or explicitly that we were loveable to our parents only if we performed at a high level in school, on the athletic field or on stage. We grew up thinking that if we’re not perfect we won’t be loved. Love was conditional; it wasn’t about who we were but what we did.

It’s important to change that belief to something more rational and self-affirming. Here are a few examples: “I’m going to do the best I can on this project” or “I’d like to meet someone who shares similar interests as me.” Remove the word “perfect” from your vocabulary. You will find you’ll be just as successful as before – and a whole lot happier.

### To read more articles by Mr. Sternberg, visit his web site: www.dctalktherapy.com. You can contact him at (240) 393-1148 or at david7747@starpower.net.