By LeslieBeth Wish, Ed.D, MSS
Introduction
Few of us are immune to holiday stress. It doesn’t help that Thanksgiving and Christmas are so close together. For many people, it’s like getting a second wham of anxiety and disappointment before you recover from the first one at Thanksgiving.
Because our American culture still promotes the image of the happy family with the white picket fence, we often assume the ideal family exists–even if we know that these families, too, have holiday difficulties. Holiday movies increase our disappointment. Oh, they might start out with family feuds, misunderstood children and unacceptable mates, but all these issues get resolved by the end of the film.
In reality, most families have a few issues that are unresolved. What may be stressful to one family may not be to another, yet despite the differences, the top holiday stresses are familiar to most of us. What can you do to make the holidays a happier time? Everyone’s situation is unique, but here are the top problems and solutions. (All names and identities cited below have been changed.)
Unrealistic Expectations of Happiness, Joy and Acceptance
The holidays are supposed to be a joyous time. If you have unresolved issues, hopes run high that the festivities will propel family members to act with greater kindness and emotional responsibility. Unfortunately, holiday time is not necessarily the best time to try to settle grievances or have one of those long, heart to heart talks with a family member. In fact, you might end up with nothing more than a lot of words and raised hopes—with little followup after the holidays are over.
The first thing to do is to lay the groundwork for a renewed relationship long before the holidays. Start by sending e-mails or birthday and anniversary cards. You want to send the message that you care about them and that you have changed.
It’s usually not a good idea to play a game of history where you review your past complaints. A long family meeting where you air your past anger won’t necessarily result in changing other family members’ behavior or attitudes about you. More effective change usually comes from your acting differently—and surprising them with the new you. Acting unpredictable in a positive way is a potent strategy for shaking up family members’ old views and treatment of you.
For example, if you’ve been regarded as the wayward child, you can demonstrate your maturity by telling the family about your life changes and speaking to each relative about things that are important to each of them. Even though it can take months for attitudes and behavior to change, when you act in a different and positive way, the family is more likely to notice you’ve changed.
Of course, if there is a timely hot topic that has to be addressed, then speak to other family members about ways to coordinate a strategy. For example, a common issue is how to care for a close relative who has dementia or Alzheimer’s disease. Some families divide up the tasks of researching doctors, nursing homes and other care facilities in the area. Family members then use e-mails to remain in touch.
Rigid Rituals
Rituals sustain the family emotional glue. They provide an easy format to recall and chart family growth, connection and cooperative decision-making. In addition, the holidays give families an opportunity to celebrate “who we are and why we matter.”
Later, as you mature, these family events provide a forum for testing your maturity, feelings and assumptions about yourself and others. You can assess family members with your own eyes and come to different or refined conclusions about how your family operates. You can forge your own identity and role as well as establish resources in the family through selected people.
However, rituals are often unresponsive to change. Family ruts are easy to get into. For example, mother always sits here, father there. It’s amazing to see the power of even these simple acts. Yet, not everything can stay the same. Family members are lost and added through death, marriage, birth and feuds. Life demands flexibility. Rather than complain about a ritual, recruit the key person in the solution. Be prepared to provide a reason and ideas.
For example, no one wants to hurt Cousin Dee’s expectations about hosting the Thanksgiving feast. However, now the family is too large to fit into her dining room. If you have a better idea, discuss it with other members, including the person whom Cousin Dee responds to with the least defensiveness. Then, have this person seek Dee’s advice about some related issue such as how to arrange the seating order or what chairs to use.
If you are that designated person, act perplexed about the best way to accommodate the growing family. You might mumble about moving chairs or using the kitchen. You might even say things such as: “Gee, it’s too bad Cousin Tina hasn’t offered to have the Thanksgiving meal at her house. Then we could have the next day brunch all day at your house, where it’s more fun and casual. Do you think Cousin Tina would want us messing up her new carpet?” Of course, you’ve already cleared it with Cousin Tina. The goals are to get creative and positive and to turn the key family members into key players in the solution.
Finally, take advantage of changes in the family to forge new traditions. Use events such as births, marriages, remarriages or college graduations as springboards for new gift giving, different homes for the celebration or more flexible seating arrangements around the dining table. These changes might prompt innovative ways of sharing the holiday. For example, you can divide up Christmas into Christmas Eve, Christmas morning and Christmas dinner. (more…)
