Top Reasons Why Some Long-Term Marriages End in Divorce
Ever since the 1970’s, divorce has become commonplace. In fact, the definition of family has changed dramatically. Less than fifty percent of families are intact families with the original mother and father. Families now include single heads of households—with women as the head of household, couples living together and step-families that become “blended” through divorce and re-marriage.
Included in the rising divorce rates are long-term marriages. Why, we ask, would someone get divorced after more than twenty years of marriage? Before we take a look at the top reasons for why some long-term marriages end in divorce, let’s first see why some long-term marriages succeed or just “go along to get along.” “Success” means that BOTH partners report being happy.
Good Reasons Why Some People Stay in Long-Term Marriages—What Makes These Good, Happy Marriages Work?
Good, happy marriages consist of people who:
- Are both truly happy, optimistic people who know how to problem-solve.
- Tended to get married when older and more settled in their careers/education and more mature.
- Are financially comfortable.
- Have college degrees or technical training.
- Find ways to “renew” the marriage spark. Some couples do this by traveling, taking classes of some kind together, doing a large project together (building a dream house, etc.), volunteering together and basically finding a new shared interest etc.
- Are happily involved with their grandchildren and/or adult children.
- Have good health.
- Don’t criticize and reject each other.
- Respect and like each other.
- Have more than “weathered or gotten through” major stresses such as affairs, financial or emotional problems. Instead, they triumph over these issues and grow.
- Have a wildcard factor—a highly personalized reason for being happy and together!
Make a checklist of which ones are part of your marriage. Now let’s take a look at why some unhappy, long-term marriages continue.
Why Some Unhappy, Long-Term Marriages Continue
Continue reading ‘Top Reasons Why Some Long-Term Marriages End in Divorce’
Spinal Cord Injury (SCI)
There are an estimated 11,000 new cases of spinal cord injury (SCI) in the United States per year. Over the last several years, SCI has primarily affected persons aged 16 – 30, 78 percent of whom are males; and predominately Caucasian (78 percent).
Almost half of the spinal injuries occur as a result of motor vehicle injury, second are falls, and the remainder come from acts of violence such as gun shot wounds or knife injuries as well as war related injury.
SCI is defined as, damage or trauma to the spinal cord that results in loss of sensory and motor function. An SCI can result in either a “complete injury” (a loss of all voluntary movement) or an “incomplete injury” (a partial loss of voluntary movement).
An SCI is classified utilizing a scale developed by the American Spinal Injury Association (ASIA) that uses a system to describe the level of injury. For example, a person with an ASIA A complete injury describes a person who has no voluntary movement or sensation below the level of injury.
Dealing with the Diagnosis
Spinal cord injury (SCI) is a devastating event that not only has physical but social and psychological ramifications for both the individual and the family. In one moment, a person’s world is monumentally changed forever with reverberations throughout the whole family system. The person who sustains an SCI is at high risk for many factors including: dependency, depression, drug addiction and, if married, divorce. They can also struggle with debilitating secondary medical complications and other factors such as the effects of perceived social discrimination, declining help and lack of social, family, and emotional support.
Family Implications
When something traumatic happens to one family member, the whole family feels the effects. Roles and responsibilities change. Marital strain occurs when one partner has to take on unfamiliar roles such as providing assistance with activities of daily living, financial responsibility and intimacy changes. This can put the person without the disability at high risk for depression.
Parents who have a young adult child that has an SCI will often reestablish the role or responsibility of parenting. If the person has left home, this may mean moving back in. This can affect self-esteem of the person with SCI and cause conflict with parents.
Interpersonal relationships are affected as well. Friends who may have had previous interests or activities they enjoyed doing together are now different. The person with SCI may withdraw or may feel embarrassed being seen post-injury. While having a young child sustain a spinal cord injury, brings a new dynamic to the entire family system and numerous challenges to the child who must face an SCI during times of dynamic growth and development. Continue reading ‘Spinal Cord Injury (SCI)’
How Do I Know If My Child Is Transgender?
By Stephanie Brill and Caitlin Ryan, PhD, ACSW
What Is Transgender?
Everyone has a gender identity. Gender identity is our internal sense of being male or female. For most people, our basic awareness that we are male or female matches our physical body. When we’re born, people decide if we’re male or female based on our genitals. But for children and adults who are transgender, their basic sense of being male or female – their gender identity – does not match their body. So a transgender person may have a male body, but feel inside that they are female. Or a transgender person may have a female body, but feel inside that they are truly male.
Can a Child Be Transgender?
Children and adolescents can be transgender, just like adults. In fact, a small percentage of all children are transgender. Children understand gender differences from a very early age. And transgender children strongly identify with the other gender, often from age two or three. Because we don’t talk about transgender people with children, adolescents or even adults, children who are transgender lack basic information about who they are, and struggle with feeling like they were born in the wrong body. And adults typically react as if there were something wrong with these children, as well.
In truth, there is nothing wrong with these children. But since very few people understand that it is natural for a small percentage of the population to be transgender, people don’t know that you can have male genitals and still be female or have female genitals and be male.
Transgender children who express their “real” gender identity can become extremely unhappy and depressed when adults try to prevent them being their true selves. Being transgender is not the cause of their distress. Instead, not being understood and feeling like there is something wrong with them causes them to suffer. And pressure to change their core sense of who they are causes emotional suffering, as well.
What Makes a Child Transgender?
Many parents are concerned that something they did made their child become transgender. This is not true. Nothing that a parent or anyone else does can change a child’s gender identity. Being transgender is not caused by divorce, neglect, wishing you had given birth to the other sex, using fertility drugs to conceive, encouraging your child to play sports too often or not enough, or other parental thoughts, behaviors or experiences. We don’t know exactly why some people are transgender. But science is showing that transgender children are most likely born that way, right from the start. Even before children can verbalize their sense of gender, they start to tell us who they are through their play and choices for clothing, hair styles, and toys. Once they are old enough to talk, transgender children strongly insist that they are “really” a boy, or “really” a girl. Continue reading ‘How Do I Know If My Child Is Transgender?’
Genetic Testing Tools for HIV/AIDS
Introduction
In recent years, medical advances have produced revolutionary treatments for people with HIV that slow the progression of the disease and prolong life. Unfortunately, various strains of the HIV virus are also evolving, becoming increasingly resistant to drug treatments, which may lead to the drugs or medication therapies failing. Genetic testing is now used for people with HIV to help identify drug-resistant HIV strains so that physicians can prescribe the most effective treatment options.
HIV (human immunodeficiency virus) is a disease that destroys or damages a type of white blood cell (CD4 T-cells) in the immune system and progressively decreases the body’s ability to fight infections and certain cancers. The virus causes AIDS (acquired immune deficiency syndrome).
People with AIDS have a significantly reduced number of healthy white blood cells, and therefore become more susceptible to life-threatening infections caused by microbes that rarely cause illness in healthy people.
Although there is no cure, treatment for HIV has advanced with highly active antiretroviral therapy (HAART), which suppresses the virus. However, HIV is constantly replicating and can mutate so that antiretroviral medications designed to treat a certain strain of virus are no longer effective.
Drug resistance is the most common reason why medication therapies fail. People with HIV may have several different strains of the virus, so determining the optimal treatment option becomes more difficult.
Types of Genetic Tests
Two types of genetic tests are available to determine if a resistant strain of HIV is present in a person using HAART: phenotype and genotype testing. Phenotype testing measures the amount of drug required to completely stop HIV replication in a blood sample. In contrast, genotype testing identifies the mutations in the genetic structure of the virus that have been linked with drug resistance.
Genetic analysis of HIV/AIDS helps researchers to better track the patterns of disease transmission, and to better understand how the virus affects the human body. No one test is sufficient for making treatment decisions.
People with HIV/AIDS work with a variety of professionals who diagnose and treat the disease and help manage the physical and mental health and social issues related to the disease. Social work professionals play an important role in the disease management team.
Social workers employed in community human services agencies, hospitals, and in private practice help people with HIV/AIDS to decide whether or not to have genetic testing and to understand the implications of test results. Additionally, social workers coordinate community services and help their clients address the life changes that often accompany a diagnosis of this life-threatening disease.
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Preparing for In Vitro Fertilization: Emotional Considerations
Infertility is an experience that strikes at the very core of one’s life. Reproduction is considered the most basic of human needs, propelled by powerful biological and psychological drives. When the ability to reproduce is thwarted, a crisis ensues and impacts relationships with others, life goals, social roles, and sense of self. A host of emotions emerge in a somewhat predictable and repetitive process as one moves through medical diagnosis and treatment. Feelings of disbelief, anger, sadness, guilt, blame, anxiety and depression can be overwhelming and finding appropriate avenues to express these emotions is important.
For most people, in vitro fertilization (IVF) is not the first course of treatment for their infertility—it is the last, best option for having a child. It occurs after long months and sometimes years of treatment failure, often at tremendous emotional, physical and financial cost. Couples beginning IVF usually do so with the burden of grief and disappointment from infertility, and may feel depressed, angry, tired, and anxious. Although emotionally depleted, couples are attracted to a technology that offers hope where none may have existed. They find themselves drawn into new emotional turbulence of contrasting feelings of hope and despair, which seems to be generated in part by the experience of the technology itself.
The opportunities that IVF creates brings with it significant challenges. IVF is considered by patients to be the most stressful of all infertility treatments. Patients have rated the stress of undergoing IVF as more stressful than or almost as stressful as any other major life event, such as a death of a family member and separation and divorce. While general assumptions may be made about stress levels during IVF, the experience for infertility patients will be personal and unique—each patient will experience the stress differently based upon his or her own personality and life experiences.
The aspects of IVF that are perceived stressful to patients are multifaceted and affect all parts of their life: marital, social, physical, emotional, financial, and religious. Time is stressful, both in the time commitment to an intense treatment which leads to disruption in family, work, and social activities, and for some, in long waiting periods for treatment services. IVF stress impacts the marital relationship with an emotionally laden experience and, by removing the conjugal act of procreation, sexual intimacy is lost. Couples, also, are stretched financially paying for the high cost of IVF treatment with a relatively low probability of success. Dealing with the medical staff and with the side effects or potential complications of medical treatment has its own stress: hot flashes, headaches, mood fluctuations, shots, sonograms, future health concerns, and decision making about embryos and multiple pregnancies. Religious, social, and moral issues may also make IVF stressful, especially for those dealing with third party reproduction, when these values are in conflict with the choice of treatment.
The first treatment cycle has been found to be the most stressful for patients, with high levels of confusion, bewilderment, and anxiety. This may be due to inexperience with the process or possibly inadequate preparation of the patient by staff in terms of information and discussion of care. While experience seems to help the stress level in the next cycle, if it is unsuccessful the stress level rises again with the third cycle as the “stakes” have been raised. For many couples, IVF can feel like gambling where the stakes are high and the chance of success unknown. Like gamblers, some IVF patients may have unrealistically high expectations of success or feel compelled to try “just one more time” finding it difficult to end treatment after having already invested so much physically, emotionally, and financially to have a child.
Within a treatment cycle, patients view IVF as a series of stages which must be successfully completed before moving onto the next phase of treatment: monitoring, oocyte retrieval, fertilization, embryo transfer, waiting period, and pregnancy test stages. The level of stress, anxiety, and anticipation raises with each stage, peaking during the waiting period. Research has shown that in order of perceived stress for patients, waiting to hear the outcome of the embryo transfer is the most stressful, followed by waiting to hear whether fertilization had occurred, and then the egg retrieval stage. Patients are aware of the importance of these key phases in the IVF process and the uncertainty of the outcome is highly distressing.
Despite the stressful consequences of infertility and IVF, it is important to note that research has shown that the vast majority of patients are well adjusted. Further, there seems to be no long-term impact on the marital relationship and individual functioning. In fact, some research has shown that the crisis of infertility may actually improve marital communication and emotional intimacy. Couples may learn coping skills and communication patterns that provide life-long benefit.
IVF has the potential to be an emotionally, physically, and financially exhausting experience due to the “high stakes” and “end of the line” nature of this treatment. Thus, patients need to consider thoughtful preparation before beginning the process. If you are a patient about to begin a cycle, here are some tips to help get ready for IVF. Continue reading ‘Preparing for In Vitro Fertilization: Emotional Considerations’
Adult Day Care Centers
Excerpt from the U.S. Department of Eldercare Locator
Reviewed by NASW Office of Social Work Specialty Practice Staff
Today, family caregivers have options to choose from when they need assistance or respite. And, highly trained and experienced social workers are available to help caregivers sort through the range of available options. Below is a brief description of some of the caregiving services commonly available.
Adult Day Care
The goals of these programs are to delay or prevent institutionalization by providing alternative care, to enhance self-esteem and to encourage socialization. There are two types of adult day care: Adult social day care provides social activities, meals, recreation, and some health-related services. Adult day health care offers more intensive health, therapeutic and social services for individuals with severe medical problems and those at risk of requiring nursing home care.
How Do Adult Day Care Centers Operate?
These centers are usually open during working hours and may stand alone or be located in senior centers, nursing facilities, churches or synagogues, hospitals, or schools. The staff may monitor medications, serve hot meals and snacks, perform physical or occupational therapy, and arrange social activities. They also may help to arrange transportation to and from the center itself.
Assisted Living
Assistive Technology
Assistive technology is any service or tool that helps the elderly or disabled do the activities they have always done but must now do differently. These tools are also sometimes called “adaptive devices.”
Such technology may be something as simple as a walker to make moving around easier or an amplification device to make sounds easier to hear (for talking on the telephone or watching television, for instance). It could also include a magnifying glass that helps someone who has poor vision read the newspaper or a small motor scooter that makes it possible to travel over distances that are too far to walk. In short, anything that helps the elderly continue to participate in daily activities is considered assistive technology.
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When The Soldier Doesn’t Return: The Needs of American Families of Downed Warriors In Iraq
Note: All names have been changed to protect confidentiality.
By L.B. (LeslieBeth) Wish, Ed.D, MSS
Introduction
Sally had been a soldier’s wife for all twelve years of their marriage. She endured separations while her husband, Tom, was called to duty, and she toughed out raising twin boys alone. Sally said Tom loved her because, in his words, she was a “team player.” But ever since Sally learned that Tom was killed in a roadside bomb in Iraq, Sally doubts whether she can be a team of one. “I’m really not that strong,” Sally said. “It’s just a good act.”
When Rolanda was shot out of her helicopter, her husband Ray said he had no choice but to “pull himself together.” He had to focus on his job and raising his stepdaughter. “I only cry at night, and then only for a second or two. We were practically newlyweds. I don’t even know what I’ll be missing.”
“At least the kids are grown.” It was the first thing that came to Linda’s mind when she heard that her husband was killed in an ambush. But the relief was short—depression set in, and Linda felt “ashamed” for falling apart.
These stories provide a glimpse into the plight of many of the American families of downed warriors in Iraq. Each family’s grief is unique, but most share issues that are familiar to mental health professionals–adjustment, loss, grief, and anger.
Some families rely on friends, the Armed Forces community, and supportive family for help. But one of the issues that many (certainly not all) of these families also share is their reluctance to use the mental health services available to them.
Why? What makes providing counseling to these families so different from non-military families in mourning? And how can mental health professionals serve these families’ needs?
Let’s start with learning a little more about some of these families. Bear in mind, that there are many reactions to the loss of a family member and that not all families of downed warriors react the same. Yet, a constellation of beliefs, fears and adjustment issues does exist amongst many of these families, and it is important to become familiar with them.
Current Issues of Some American Military Families
At first, it seems that the most common issues of military families do not differ from the problems of families not in the military. People are people, as some say. After all, humans share common problems. Yet, military families often add elements to these issues that are unique to them.
Fear of Being “Found Out”
Many families worry about being seen in counselors’ halls and waiting rooms and about being judged and “found out.” They also worry about confidentiality. They believe that no matter what the organization, if it’s affiliated with the armed forces, it will keep records that could easily be shared with other branches and departments.
Non-military families may have similar feelings, but military families carry with them an extra dose of shame of being “found flawed.” They also say they “have had it” with the power of military and government rules. They long for privacy, and they have far higher doubts that their insurance can protect them.
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My Child Has ADHD: Now What?
If you find that your child does, indeed have ADHD, it’s important to educate yourself as much as possible. There are numerous books on the subject. Consulting with a mental health professional to help you with the many challenges ADHD can present, is invaluable. Finding support by attending local groups such as CHADD (Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder) also are immensely helpful in not only learning more about ADHD, but also to connect with other families who are struggling.
- What are the risks vs benefits?
- What side effects might I observe?
- Which medications will work best for my child?
- What options do I have if I don’t want to use medications for my child?
- How will I know if the medications are working?
For more information visit www.helpstartshere.org.
Bullying Behaviors
From About Schools and Communities - HelpStartsHere.org
Reviewed by NASW Office of Social Work Specialty Practice Staff and Center for Workforce Studies Staff
Studies show that between 15-25 percent of U.S. students are bullied with some frequency. Bullies use aggressive behavior to show that they have power over another student. Bullying may be physical, involving hitting or punching; verbal, such as teasing or name calling; or psychological, involving social exclusion or spreading rumors about another child. Boys most often use name calling and teasing, while girls are more likely to socially exclude other girls. Youth with disabilities or special needs, and those who are gay or bisexual are at a higher risk of being bullied then other children.
Bullying is not just an unpleasant passage of childhood. Not only does it often interfere with school work, but bullied children are more likely to feel depressed, lonely, and anxious, and to think about suicide. It is common for bullied children to pretend to be ill or skip school to avoid their tormentor.
Middle school and high school students among the sexual minority may be the most vulnerable to victimization from school bullies. A 2001 survey found that 83 percent of gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender (GLBT) students experienced verbal, physical, or sexual harassment and assault at school, according to the National Mental Health and Education Center.
A majority of GLBT students feel unsafe at school because of their sexual orientation. As a result, nearly 30 percent drop out of school, and the rates of suicidal ideation, attempts, and suicide by sexual minority students are two to three times higher than for heterosexual youth.
Students may not tell their parents that they are being bullied because they are embarrassed, ashamed, or afraid. If you suspect that your child is a victim, ask questions about what has happened, where the bullying occurred, and how your child responded. Do not ask your child to ignore bullies or encourage retaliation, which may only escalate the problem.
Contact the school principal, social worker, or your child’s teacher and describe the problem. Ask school authorities to talk with other adults who interact with your child to find out if they have witnessed any bullying behavior. Many school districts omit sexual orientation from anti-bullying programs, so parents of GLBT students may suggest that the sexuality issue is addressed and that school activities are available to all students, regardless of sexual orientation. School social workers can act as advocates for students who are victimized and identify a support network of caring adults.
Finally, encourage your child to make friends with students in the classroom or outside of the school environment. Children can become more resistant to bullying when they develop confidence and other positive attributes.
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Historias de la Vida Auténtica sobre la Pena y la Pérdida: Niños y pena
Jonathan tenía seis años cuando murió en 1988. La trabajadora social Mary Lee Carroll, LCSW lo acompañó como voluntaria de hospice. El trabajo que ella hizo con él, y su espíritu inspiraron a la Sra. Carroll a desarrollar un programa de duelo pediátrico para un hospice en Conneticut. En 1994, el Júnior League de Waterbury hizo un donativo a la organización para patrocinar el Campamento Jonathan. En 1999 el Campamento Jonathan fue incorporado y ya no depende de ninguna organización. El Campamento apoya a las necesidades de las personas en duelo de Conneticut en la región de Watertown. Cada verano, el Campamento Jonathan patrocina un campamento diurno de una semana para niños que están en proceso de duelo por la muerte de una persona significativa en sus vidas. A continuación ofrecemos una lista de comentarios acerca del duelo y de tener una pena hechos por los niños que asistieron al programa de apoyo de una semana en julio del 2005.
Además del apoyo que se da a niños y jóvenes durante una semana experiencial en el verano; el Campamento Jonathan ofrece grupos de apoyo durante todo el año para niños y padres, y sólo para niños y jóvenes. En noviembre de cada año, la organización también lleva a cabo un retiro para mujeres en duelo. El Campamento Jonathan, dirigido por un equipo de orientadores pediátricos en duelo, terapeutas y voluntarios entrenados, ofrece apoyo terapéutico individual o en grupo tanto a niños como a adultos en duelo. Los orientadores utilizan terapias creativas para contactar las emociones, como terapias de movimiento, arte, poesía y psicodrama para procesar el duelo y enfrentarlo de manera más exitosa. Hay otros programas disponibles en el país parecidos al Campamento Jonathan y, a menudo, son gratis para familias como la de ustedes. Si sabe usted de un Campamento así y lo recomendaría, por favor contáctenos a la siguiente dirección de correo electrónico: info@childrenshospice.org. Estamos haciendo una lista de Campamentos para que las familias puedan elegir entre ellos y la publicaremos en esta página de Internet. |
Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this article are those of the writer, and do not necessarily reflect those of the National Association of Social Workers or its members.