By Dr. Kris Nugent, Ph.D. LCSW
Missouri Baptist University
Associate Professor
Introduction
Adoption is often portrayed as a journey of connection, healing, and new beginnings. However, the complexities inherent in adoptive families are profound, affecting both children and parents. While extensive research has addressed the challenges faced by adopted children, there remains a significant gap in resources aimed at supporting adoptive parents in strengthening their own internal bonds to facilitate the healing process between parent and child (Barcons-Castel et al., 2019). This issue becomes particularly evident when school-age children begin attending school, leaving parents to navigate unresolved grief, identity shifts, and the invisible challenges of adoption in isolation. Schools and broader support networks such as sports and churches often lack the awareness or empathy to address these struggles adequately in order to support adoptive families. (Grotevant & McDermott, 2020).
The Hidden Challenges of Adoptive Parenting
As an adoptive mother of a daughter from China, adopted at age three, and a therapist and Associate Professor teaching practice classes, I have observed firsthand the unique challenges faced by adoptive parents. The school years often introduce new emotional hurdles. The constant demands of early childhood caregiving may give way to a quieter, isolating reality where the parent’s struggles become less visible. Schools, though often well-meaning, may not fully grasp the unique relational dynamics of adoption, leading to misinterpretations of behaviors, unrealistic expectations, and a lack of empathy toward both the child and the parent (Juffer & van IJzendoorn, 2019). This absence of acknowledgment can lead to feelings of frustration, grief, and loneliness, affecting the parent’s ability to remain emotionally available and attuned to their child’s needs. Without proper support, this cycle can strain the parent-child bond and create further barriers to healing (Smith et al., 2021). In addition, the school age child is now “busy” with school and extra curricular activities which impact the time spent between parent and child.
How Internal Family Systems (IFS) Can Support Adoptive Parents
Internal Family Systems (IFS), developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, is a therapeutic approach that helps individuals understand and harmonize their internal parts. IFS recognizes that each person comprises multiple sub-personalities or “parts,” each carrying different emotions, memories, and roles (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). This framework provides a powerful model for adoptive parents to navigate their own emotional complexities while remaining a stable and compassionate presence for their child. I have used IFS in my own private practice and have found this therapy to be useful in the field of trauma and addressing family of origin issues.
Key Benefits of IFS for Adoptive Parents:
- Self-Compassion and Resourcing
- Many adoptive parents experience feelings of inadequacy, guilt, or frustration when they struggle to connect with their child. IFS helps parents cultivate self-compassion by acknowledging these feelings as “parts” rather than inherent flaws (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020). Through Self-led practices, parents can resource themselves internally, developing a strong foundation of calm, clarity, and confidence.
- Understanding Triggers and Protective Responses
- Parents may carry their own unresolved wounds, including past traumas, attachment injuries, or unmet expectations surrounding adoption. These “parts” can be triggered by their child’s behaviors or struggles, leading to reactions rooted in fear, frustration, or helplessness (Hodgdon et al., 2022). IFS provides a framework for recognizing and soothing these reactive parts, allowing parents to respond with curiosity and presence rather than overwhelm.
- Creating a Secure Emotional Environment
- A parent who understands their own inner world is better equipped to model emotional regulation and empathy for their child. By addressing their internal struggles, parents cultivate a home environment that fosters safety and trust (Smith et al., 2021).
- Restoring Agency in Parenting
- The school system and other external forces may leave parents feeling powerless in advocating for their child. IFS helps parents reconnect with their “Self-led” inner leader, restoring their sense of agency and confidence in navigating educational, social, and therapeutic challenges (Schwartz & Sweezy, 2020).
Practical Applications of IFS for Adoptive Parents
- Daily Self-Check-Ins: Taking five minutes to acknowledge and dialogue with reactive parts before engaging with the child or advocating within the school system.
- Journaling Inner Dialogues: Writing out the voices of different parts (e.g., “the frustrated part,” “the hopeful part”) to gain clarity and self-compassion.
- Mindfulness and Embodiment Practices: Engaging in breathing exercises, yoga, or other grounding techniques to center the Self before responding to challenges.
- Seeking an IFS-Informed Therapist or Support Group: Connecting with professionals and peers who understand the unique struggles of adoptive parenting can provide validation and practical tools (Hodgdon et al., 2022).
Conclusion
The journey of adoption does not end when legal papers are signed—it is an evolving process of healing, connection, and resilience. Adoptive parents, too, deserve support, resources, and recognition for the unseen work they do in holding space for their child’s healing. Internal Family Systems offers a transformative approach for parents to cultivate self-awareness, resilience, and a deeper bond with their children. By resourcing themselves, parents can step into their role with confidence, ensuring their children receive the attuned and compassionate care they need to thrive.
Call to Action
Adoption is a lifelong commitment, and the strength of that commitment begins with resourcing the parent first. It is vital for Social Workers to consider the stages of development when addressing Adoption and Foster care for both the parent and the child. IFS can be used as a therapeutic tool for the Adopted parent who feels alone and lacks support from the community.
References
Barcons-Castel, A., Fornieles-Deu, A., & Costas-Moragas, C. (2019). Attachment representations and behavior problems in international adoptees. Child and Adolescent Psychiatry and Mental Health, 13(1), 1-11. https://doi.org/10.1186/s13034-019-0291-6
Grotevant, H. D., & McDermott, J. (2020). Adoption and identity development: Implications for adoptive parents and professionals. Adoption & Fostering, 44(2), 135-147. https://doi.org/10.1177/0308575920922338
Hodgdon, H. B., Kinniburgh, K., Gabowitz, D., Blaustein, M. E., & Spinazzola, J. (2022). Coping strategies and emotional regulation in adoptive families: An IFS perspective. Journal of Traumatic Stress, 35(4), 712-728. https://doi.org/10.1002/jts.22867
Juffer, F., & van IJzendoorn, M. H. (2019). The importance of parenting in the development of adopted children: A meta-analytic approach. Developmental Psychology, 55(5), 919-932. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000684
Schwartz, R. C., & Sweezy, M. (2020). Internal family systems therapy (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Smith, S. L., Howard, J. A., & Garnier, P. C. (2021). Emotional regulation in adoptive parents and children: Building secure attachments. Adoption Quarterly, 24(3), 265-289. https://doi.org/10.1080/10926755.2021.1931280
